25 Days of Thanks - Day Eighteen

My Rapist

This is not a part of my life that I talk much about so writing about it is hard, but it is a very important part of my life and one that has made me who I am. My senior year of high school I dated a guy who sexually assaulted me on multiple occasions. I have had many years to think back on this time in my life, to be haunted by it, and most importantly to move past it. Saying that I am thankful for the man who stole so much might seem odd to a lot of people, but I can say now 11 years later that I very thankful for him. He taught me an incredible amount about myself and about life. The assaults finally ended when I realized that I deserved more and took back control. I finally stood up for myself. I put all of my self doubt over looks, my weight, my fear of sounding dumb, and decided that I was worth more than the situation I was in. From that moment he was no longer in my life (and may still be suffering from the bruises I left trying to get away!). That was one of the first things I ever did that was purely for my benefit and at the expense of someone else. Over the years since then I have slowly gained a confidence that I cherish. I definitely still struggle with self confidence but there is a difference and a base confidence that was never there before.



There is one other thing I have learned from that situation; the gift of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a very hard thing for a lot of people, and when the thing you have to forgive is something as real and painful as this, it is very difficult. In fact some women and men are never able to forgive. But through the forgiveness I had for him and for others who used this situation for their own amusement, I have gained a peace that can not be taken away. I believe that there is a huge difference between forgiveness and forgetting and I don’t ascribe to forgetting. If I forgot I could easily end up in that situation again, and I wouldn’t feel the peace I feel today. Without forgetting I have moved on and I have become a strong person and a woman who can stand up for herself in any situation.


The other blessing in this situation is that I had a daddy who chose to insist that all men were not that way and who pressed me to continue to trust other men. David fit that bill. He has worked with me and cried with me through all the times this has come to haunt me. I still have occasional flash backs to those days and there are times that I have mistaken other men as him. When this happens David is there to comfort me and remind me that he is not that person. But he also will stay away when the fear is hard to escape. And in those times the rage can still come back and can only be tamed by someone who truly loves me and wants to help me through them. David is that person. However I can always do a little soul searching and reforgive. That is the other thing I have learned, forgiveness is a process.


I do not understand why people do these things, and when I think of something like this happening to Grayson I get sick to my stomach. I have heard that people do these things for control, personally I think that’s complete bularky. But it is not my job to judge them and not my job to find revenge. However it is my job to forgive them and learn from their actions in a way that will positively impact my life and the lives of those around me. So today a week from Thanksgiving I am thankful for the man who raped me, for the lessons I have learned, and for the person it has made me.