My Greatest Gift

Maybe it's the hormones or maybe it's the voice of God but I need to take some time to reflect on the blessing we have been given.

At Thanksgiving (what a time) we found out I was pregnant. It was against all odds that I got pregnant. Considering I have had little to no signs of being able to ovulate throughout my life and I have been told for the last 15 years that my body can’t produce a pregnancy, how do I randomly mature an egg and release it. Then, not only did I randomly produce said egg, I managed to time it perfectly with my work schedule where travel had me hardly ever in the same state as my husband and with a fluke mix-up between my cardiologist and my ObGyn. That is a miracle.

Not only am I pregnant it seems everything (other than a random skin rash) seems to be getting better. My diabetes has actually improved during pregnancy - apparently that makes me the one person on the planet with that anomaly. My arrhythmias seem to have simply vanished - again not the norm. And most importantly I have a perfectly healthy life growing rapidly inside of me.

How David and I created this little life I have only one answer - God's miracle to us. Until just the other day when Lydia (thank you) spoke the words herself, I haven't let myself think of this as my miracle baby. I have been so convinced something would go wrong. I know that I am not worthy of such a gift, so I knew something had to be wrong. I waited through all the tests, ultrasounds, and the echo to hear the news I knew was coming. I was convinced not feeling the kicks signaled the truth. I forced myself to start planning for the baby in case it did come home, but only in moments of weakness did I let myself get excited. Thankfully our wonderful parents were there to help me be excited and to go shopping with me. But I never really settled on the idea that a baby was actually coming. I have said to David several times "I guess we really are having a baby." But in truth a very large part of me never believed it.

I have never wanted to know the baby's sex - as I believe this is the way it’s supposed to be - but I have been so adamant because in a way that would make it much more real. The pain of knowing so much about my child when I inevitably lost it would be too much to bear. I would have made plans and dreams for the baby and every time I saw a girl or boy I would have to relive the pain of losing my child. I simply couldn't bear it. Maybe this explanation will help our families and friends understand our decision.

But through it all I have prayed. I have prayed that this little miracle is alive and well and healthy and now we know that God has spoken and Lola is well. Lola is something I never was, Lola is whole. God has placed this little person inside of me and made her/him healthy.

The last remaining thing that haunts my parents and us are the words my pediatric cardiologist said when they found my birth defect – she won't survive childbirth. But I know this isn't true. I know God has a plan and even if that plan isn’t our desire, I will live on in this little person. Also that statement was uttered 29 years ago and the advances in medicine are amazing – like the fact that I have a tiny piece of engineering lodged in my heart keeping me alive. If something were to go wrong the baby can be out in under a minute. Also my current cardiologist, who has been nothing but incredibly honest with me, assures me that my heart is completely competent to carry the baby to term and for full delivery. This is a very comforting thought for us. We have also chosen to deliver the baby at the same hospital where my heart surgery was performed since the doctors who know my case are all there and they will be prepared should something happen.

I am sorry if this post has seemed completely over-the-top drama but please try to understand. The full realm of the feelings may only be something that can be understood by someone who has mourned this child for over 15 years, but for me these have been very really very scary feelings.

The main message here is that my precious miracle is alive and kicking and loves to hear it's Daddy's voice. It’s a huge fan of eating and really really hates fetal monitors.

I have posted the 3D ultrasound picture on my computer screen, last night I felt overcome by the sight of it and I placed one hand on the picture and one hand on my stomach and prayed. Lola kicked twice right where my hand was placed which was an incredible moment for me. I am so incredibly blessed and in love with this child. This child has changed our world and the worlds of it's grandparents. Thank you God for this precious gift.